Spong Fong

Spong-Fong

(The scraps found among Spelvin's papers included not only original writings but ledgers full of newspaper clippings with cryptic mathematical signs, boxes, and arrows. One can only speculate at the deletorious effects of such positive reinforcement of his worst tendencies from ostensibly responsible news outlets.)

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

Russian Percussian Discussion

Resentment

Resentiment

"Don't send me any more letters," she said on the telephone.

"But I already re-sent it," I pled, "when it came back unopened."

"I tore it up," she said.

"But I just sent it today -- what letter did you tear up?"

"The letter I got before, I didn't like the way it smelled."

"But I thought women liked that stuff, it's a scent you said you liked ... when that letter came back unopened, I rescented it and re-sent it."

"No, I resented it," she affirmed, "so I tore it up."

"But I apologized, and took back every word I said," I pled.

"Some things can't be rescinded. So don't send me any more letters."

"But I already re-sent my recent note, rescinding the re-scented note you resented ..."

"I'll tear it up, too, then," she said

Phonus Balognus

Phonus Bolognus

He bustled into the room, impressing me with his busyness, plopped into the other chair, and launched into his spiel, "Wow! these new Management-by-Objective merit reviews are really efficient, much easier to go through than the old way: "no muss, no fuss".

I only grunted, to let him know he could continue.

"Now," he began, "You've done a bang-up job for us this period, but you've got to learn to get along better with your peers: we've had too many complaints from the other programmers that you are brusque when they question you and too blunt in your criticisms. You've done your technical work as well as we could expect, but we want you to work on your 'people skills'. So tho' your numerical ranking is well into the 'competent' category, I know you'll be disappointed in your ranking, and your bonus, but that's so that you can improve! Do you have any questions? This is the part we call the moan-and-groan section," he winked conspiratorially.

"Well, I need you to tell me how Jesus Christ could have done any better this period than I did? By what no-muss-no-fuss hocus-pocus did you lower what should have been a near-perfect ranking down to mere competence?"

"Well, we DO ask a little more of our most experienced people; the scale is a little higher for y'all..."

"What? an extra onus? on top of doing the work for these drones in addition to my own, there's an Onus Bonus? A no-muss-no-fuss, hocus-pocus onus bonus, AND I have to be nice to them, too?

"Oh, as I say, the other programmers ..."

"IF I WAS Jesus Christ," I thundered, "I would have driven them out of my cubicle with a whip, instead of a tongue lashing!"

"Hey! moan-and-groan is one thing, but ..."

"What kind of phoney-baloney is this?" I ranted, "the MBO rankings are supposed to be objective and individualized, but what you're telling me is that they're subjective and collective, and bogus!"

So he stood up, and made to leave, "Well, I hear you saying that you don't like the system, and I can see that you're upset, but this is the policy, now, and I have to follow it."

I swiveled my chair around to watch him leave, and I said to him, "You can take your no-muss-no-fuss, moan-and-groan, phoney-baloney, hocus-pocus, bogus onus bonus and shove it up your heinous anus!"

But I was only kidding.

The Fete

The Fete

"Will you come to our banquet?"

"Which is that?"

"Our annual fete."

"Which group is that?"

"The local society of podiatrists."

"Oh. Sort of a feet fete."

"Yes. Um. Actually, it's not all podiatrists, only those concerned with life-threatening issues."

"Oh. You mean it's a fatal feet fete."

"I mean, really concerned."

"So. A fatal feet fetish fete."

"Yes. But only for pre-natal cases . . ."

"Then it's a fatal foetal feet fetish fete."

"Yes. And it's not only for charity, but we also have a talent show . . ."

"Which would make it a fatal foetal feet fetish feat fete."

"Well, yes. So will you come? Dinner will be awfully good."

"That makes it a fatal foetal feet fetish feat fete feast!"

"I suppose so. Will you come or not?"

"Yes, yes. I admit defeat.

The Dong

The Strong Dong

Alleged Transcript from Squawk Box, 8/7/02

MARK: The Canadian dollar is familiarly known as the "Loonie" because the dollar coin has the image of a loon on one side.

Guest: Oh, like a duck.

MARK: Precisely!

Guest: Well, this is the sort of thing one can talk about when the market seems to be in a down cycle, isn't it? Do you know what they call the basic unit of Vietnamese currency?

MARK: (Pause) The Dong?

Guest: Yes! That's right! And of course, now in contrast to the weak US dollar, we're seeing a Strong Dong, just as with all the other Asian currencies.

MARK: (Pause) Well, we're verging on the edge here, but I have to ask, then, whether you would advise us all to go Long on the Strong Dong?

Guest: Hmmmm. No, I think this is a temporary situation: it would be Wrong to go Long on the Strong Dong.

MARK: Aha! I knew it! I knew all Along it was Wrong to go Long on the Strong Dong.

Guest: Oh, it's not hard to see: even Erica Jong knew all Along it's Wrong to go Long on the Strong Dong.

MARK: Bang the Gong. Bang the Gong.

The Dissident

The Diffident Dissident

(A difficult conversation with my brother, Lloyd)

"Well, you do agree at least that the President is doing a good job with the War, don't you?"

"Actually, not. I'm afraid that I'm thinking about dis-agreeing. I mean, we had all this bluster and clear ambitions when we started, even tho' we were warned it was going to be long and difficult, but even now they're trying to claim success, when, the truth is, that even if you wanted to give them credit for a good start..."

"Ah, hah! I see: You are a dissident!"

"Oh! Well, no! I meant to say that I was contemplating thinking about dis-agreeing. I mean, I don't want to be disagreeable about disagreeing, I just..."

"So: you are a diffident dissident."

"Hmmm. Geez. I guess I'm not being clear. I mean to say that I'm not a dissident and I'm not ashamed to say so! Not at all like those other people who disagree, just because they want to disagree, and then they just disagree to be disagreeable!"

"Yes, I do see the distinction: You are a different diffident dissident from all those other diffident dissidents."

"Yes, I don't care about these things as much as them, they go w-a-a-a-a-a-y overboard."

"Uh-huh, then you are an indifferent different diffident dissident."

"I see that you are being intentionally obtuse. You have no idea, it seems, of the dangers inherent in labeling someone a dissident: there are many perils for them, not the least is financial!"

"And that makes you, the indigent indifferent different diffident dissident!"

"Can't you conduct a civil conversation, just once?"

"Hah-hah-hah! Now he's the indignant indigent indifferent different diffident dissident!"

And so, as the loser, I had to pay for dinner -- but that's all right, it was my favorite Italian restaurant, one where they make the caesar salad right at the table for you, and the veal medallions are s-o-o-o-o g-o-o-od, I could go on-and-on about them, how I love those Italian medallions, with tiny onions, the Italian medallions with scallions ....